A is for Addiction
It’s Sunday, you’re hungover, you put on a boxset but you’re not really watching it and you’re driven by two things, the urge to procrastinate and the hangover horn. You speak to all sorts of people, usually within all within a 1km radius, the chats barely ever get beyond eight lines, you see pictures of their penises long before you see their faces, and suddenly it’s 7pm and you’ve misplaced your entire day. You try to put your phone down and actually do something, but you’ve got so many chats on the go that your phone simply won’t stop buzzing and you just have to submit to losing your entire day. You, my friend, are addicted to Grindr.
B is for Bingo
A simple game to be played between friends. You both take a screenshot of your Grindr favourites and send it to each other. If you have any matching favourites (or if one of you has met any of the other’s), full disclosure is expected.
“No. I’ve never taken cockshots. I don’t have any on my phone and I’ve never sent any to anyone.” Yeah… And I’ll bet you think bumming is “icky” too. Weirdo.
D is for Deep & Meaningfuls
You find yourself chatting to someone, usually not the kind of person you would have picked out from the list, but suddenly you actually start having a conversation! It’s not just a chat about what job you do and where you go out at the weekend, but there’s actually a spark and a connection and they make you laugh and they share your interests and OHMYGODWE’REMEANTTOBETOGETHER!! Then you meet them and discover they’re only interesting with two phones and a shared app in between you because they’re too slow/shy/thick to come up with that well-composed wit off the cuff. Thus D is also for Disappointment.
E is for Empty Profiles
There are many reasons for an empty profile, but usually it comes to one of two things. 1 – You’re in a relationship. A closed relationship. Which makes this all a bit too weird. 2 – You’re in the closet. Which is kinda hot, but at the same time you’re yet to go through all the soul searching, the exploding onto the scene and that huge pendulum of emotions that comes with coming out… And I did that a decade ago I don’t really want to be around for that again. Sorry!
F is for Favourites
You’re chatting to someone, they’re amazing. You’ve decided to meet them, fall in love, have their babies… But then you accidentally spy over your friend’s shoulder that your future-husband is in their favourites too. And then you dismantle your wedding plans, cancel the meet and never speak to them again.
G is for Grindr Tourism
You’re visiting somewhere new for a day. You’re not staying long, just a daytrip, and you have no intention of staying later, meeting anyone or returning any time soon… And yet you log onto Grindr anyway. It takes about two minutes before the locals take the bait, but suddenly they notice the fresh meat and POUNCE! When you return home and log onto Grindr again, your whole screen is filled with men desperate to get in there first, and you feel FANTASTIC about yourself.
Well I’m not going to block you, because your constant messages make me feel good about myself, but the fact that I haven’t responded to your 46 identical blue messages of just “Hi” or “Hello” might indicate to some people that I’m not interested…
I is for Instant Infatuation
For a period of about three hours, all you can think about is this random person, whose conversational skills are IMPECCABLE. You forsake food, The X Factor and conversation with real people because you’re convinced this is the start of something special. And then the conversation ends, you never manage to get more than a “Hi, how are you?” out of them again and you forget that, at one stage, you’d planned the colour-scheme for the living-room in your first marital home.
J is for Joke Profiles
We all know one. That girl. You know, the one who has a fake Grindr profile. You wouldn’t know you’re talking to a girl. She has a plethora of photos of someone whose identity she’s stolen, and all she’s after is your dirty pictures. She knows all the buttons to push, says all the right things and the moment she gets what she wants, disappears and you can guarantee that she took screenshots.
K is for Kiss And Tells
“You discreet?” Ummm, yes of course I am! Though clearly you’re going to tell your friends, because discretion doesn’t run that far. And if you see them out you’ll point them out to said friends. And you’ll probably show them the photos you shared as well.
“Grindr says you’re 12 metres away! Where are you?” You both get very excited by your proximity. Turns out that Grindr has decided you’re eleven miles south-east and placed you both right in the centre of a lake.
M is for Misunderstanding
You know how you made a joke about paedophilia and it would have been really funny if you’d said it to their face, but instead it makes you look like a weirdo when it’s written down? Yeah, that.
N is for Networking
WHO ACTUALLY USES GRINDR FOR NETWORKING?? Nobody. And if you say you do, you’re lying.
O is for Old Old Men
These fall into two types; the cute and the creepy. The cute ones are the old men genuinely looking for wrinkly love, while the creepy ones are the ones incessantly messaging younger men and will probably only be met with blocks and insults. Both are to be avoided, but that’s what the age filter was invented for.
P is for Passing Trade
Just passing through? Staying in a hotel? No connection to anyone I know? Not likely to ever come back? I’ll get my coat.
Q is for Queens
Does ANYONE talk to those pouting orange little twigs? I mean, SOMEONE must think they look good, right? I mean I know they’re pretty niche, but I worry for them. I worry for their self-esteem, poor things. Poor waxed and coiffured she-things.
R is for Recognition
Two 21st century situations:
1. Now where do I know that guy from…? I mean, he looks really familiar. Did we meet on a night-out? Have we met at a party? I feel like I’ve seen his face a thousand times. Oh wait, he’s just that guy who’s always on Grindr near my flat.
2. Someone approaches you: “Are you that guy with the funny line about x on your profile?” “Yes… Have we spoke on there?” “No… I’ve just looked at your profile a lot…”
It’s a Saturday night. You’ve not pulled. You’re too drunk and tired to actually have a conversation on Grindr so you go to sleep and leave the app open. All night. In the morning your screen is filled with blue little squares, netting the dregs and the horny, but you gleefully scroll through them anyway because when you’re feeling this hungover, all you want is the ego-boost.
T is for Timewasters
A ridiculously attractive man messages you. He invites you over to his hotel, giving his address really quickly. Blinded by the fact that a man like that could actually want to meet you, you ignore the warning signs that it might be a fake profile and powerwalk through the pouring rain for forty minutes, nervous and excited. Except when you get there and you log back onto Grindr to remind yourself of his room number, his profile has vanished and you’ve been blocked. Whether he is sat in a car in the carpark watching you, or if he’s just getting kicks out of knowing he’s severely inconvenienced someone, is unclear. Whichever he is, heis the SCOURGE of Grindr.
U is for Upgrade
Yeah, who thought that brainwave was a good idea? Turning Grindr into Jack’d and separating the messages from the location-feed? Yeah, that’s what we ALL wanted. Dicks.
V is for Viagra Salesman
STOP TRYING TO SELL ME VIAGRA WHILE I’M TRYING TO WATCH DOWNTON ABBEY!!
W is for “Wanna wrestle?”
Umm… No, I kinda don’t.
X is for Grindr Xtra
Once upon a time you thought it was a good idea to invest in Grindr Xtra. Back then it cost £2.99 a month, which you thought was a little steep, but you did it anyway. Then, suddenly, the price rose and you were stuck in a cycle of spending £7.99 a month on an app whose free version isn’t *that* different, except that if you now downgraded again you’d lose all your favourites and blocks and chat histories and you’d be forced to start again from scratch. And now, like heroin dealers, they’ve got you hooked and will get that £7.99 out of you every single month for the rest of your (single) life. Bastards.
Y is for “You broke your arm or leg?”
I LOVE this guy. Anyone who lives in and around Salford will have encountered this man at some point, who blanket-messages everyone on his feed the same thing every time he’s online. He’s actually quite polite if you speak to him, but he also must delete Grindr between each use because he loses all his chat histories and forgets about the way you may have pretended for a while you had a broken wrist. Turns out though, someone who was in a local hospital recently genuinely DID have a broken arm or leg and managed to get a photo out of him… And, surprisingly, he was pretty damn fit! Who knew??!?
Z is for Z Gays
You know those ones whose profile you look at and think “Oh dear, is that the best photo you could find?” Them. Somehow, somewhere out there there’s another sweet little Z-Gay who’s going to find this little Z-Gay attractive and they’ll get along like a house on fire… But in the meantime, this little Z-Gay is going to try his luck with absolutely anyone, because he’s got nothing to lose. And good on him I say! God loves a tryer!